


a meadow memory

by Irrwisch



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Castiel is soft, Dean/Cas Reverse Bang 2021, Flowers, Hurt/Comfort, It's the feeling of a sunny Thursday afternoon, Lisa is nice, M/M, Wings, soft romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:29:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29979471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irrwisch/pseuds/Irrwisch
Summary: When Lisa breaks up with Dean, he's left afloat. The break-up didn't hurt in the way he thought it might and he's wondering why.What if she's replaced him? What if she just didn't want to hurt him and that's why she wouldn't say why she left him? In order to calm down, Dean follows the birds' chirping to the nearby park where he meets a curious stranger. He doesn't know this man and yet he doesn't object when he's led into the forest.Maybe it's okay. Maybe in the end, it will be okay.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 31
Collections: Dean/Cas Reverse Bang 2021





	a meadow memory

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome! Thanks for being here.  
> This is my very first reverse bang! I had the pleasure of working ZoeLily, who did the art that prompted this! -> [Say hi & look at the nice art!](https://zoelilyreads.tumblr.com/)  
> Also thanks to my friend Sheya, who beta'd this piece (her first beta job, to boot!) ->[Say hi!](https://misha-moose-dean-burger-lover.tumblr.com/)  
> And; you can also visit me on tumblr, yes? -> [Please I'm lonely](https://irrlicht-ghostfront.tumblr.com/)

_“When you're lost, come to me. I'm the path you're meant to find.”_

*

_It’s a subtle thrum but it awakens something inside the soul._

_“Do you want to play?”_

_There’s a forest behind the house._

_“You don’t have to be afraid.”_

_There’s a boy with the shadow behind him._

_“Go hide. I’ll find you.”_

_There are lights at the heart of the forest._

_“You won’t get lost.”_

_It feels like they sing to him; and within their song, he loses himself in the fog._

*

It’s a sunny afternoon. It’s a Sunday, and Dean’s stomach is pleasantly filled. There’s no radio on, and Dean has been enjoying the silence. It’s a nice feeling, sitting in peace once in a while. Maybe he should open the window so he can hear the birds. His place is not close to any real forest, but the local park is just around the corner. They do have some trees in there that could technically qualify as some sort of wilderness, if one is generous enough.

“Dean,” Lisa says and she doesn’t break the silence. Dean has been expecting this talk.

“Yeah?” he responds but doesn’t turn around to face her.

“Can we talk?”

Her voice is soft. Dean likes the sound of it. Lisa is an incredible good person, way too good for him. He nods at her request.

He knows what she wants.

They haven’t been a couple for a few months now – they’ve just been living together. Lisa has been talking about kids, cooing over strollers in the streets. Dean wants kids too, someday – but not just yet.

And he doesn’t know if he wants them with Lisa; or if Lisa really wants them with him.

It’s okay though. She deserves to be happy, so it’s okay.

Lisa shifts behind him before she starts to talk.

“You deserve to be happy, you know that?”

Huh. That’s weird. It doesn’t sound like any other break-up speech he’s ever had. Dean turns around and blinks at Lisa. She’s standing a few bits away from him and she – she doesn’t look sad. She doesn’t look sorry.

“I know you put other people’s happiness above your own, Dean, every time. No matter what it means for you, you want to make others happy. And, Dean, that’s wonderful. But I’d wish, that sometimes, you’d put your own happiness as a priority.

I know that they say relationships are a give and take. I go to a car show with you if you in turn accompany me to a shopping trip. But you never took me to any car shows, did you? Because you knew I wouldn’t enjoy them. And yet I’ve dragged you to shopping mall after shopping mall and you’ve never complained once. Because you knew I was enjoying myself.

But know what? I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to be.

I want children. You know I do, and you also know I don’t want to wait that much longer before having them. I also know that you don’t want them, at least not yet. And yet, if it were to happen – you’d marry me, like your dad taught you to. But would you be happy? You might be, in some time. But it wouldn’t be what you’d want, right? You’d be married to me forever, and you’d tell yourself that that’s how it’s supposed to be like.

But I don’t want that.

I care about you, Dean, I care about you greatly. I want you to be happy, and your happiness doesn’t lie with me.”

She steps closer to him and Dean can feel the warmth radiating off of her. It’s comforting. She gently takes his face in her hands and presses her lips against his forehead.

“I care about you so much. I love you, Dean, don’t you doubt that. But love changes, you know? I don’t love you any less than I loved you a month ago. But it’s different now. And I’m going to move on.

I know you’re going to blame yourself for that. I know that you’re going to tell people that you must’ve done something wrong and that that’s why I left. And in the back of your head – you’ll wonder if maybe you weren’t good enough. That maybe I’ve found someone better than you, someone who’s worth my time.

But that’s not it, you know? There’s nobody else.

And I know that you will still think that, no matter how often I tell you, so I implore you: please believe me. Nobody’s replacing you. You’re perfect, Dean.

You’re not perfect for me, but you _are_ perfect just the way you are. Let no one tell you otherwise.

So even when I’m gone, remember that, please.

You’re perfect, it’s not your fault and you deserve happiness.

Please remember that, as a favour to me. Please.”

She’s gone after that. Dean doesn’t feel empty though. He hadn’t been expecting this.

He looks back to the window. He had been expecting the sky to cloud over after this, even if it would’ve just been in his head, but no – it was still a nice sunny day.

He can even hear the birds, he thinks.

*

It’s not his fault.

He wakes up the next day and he doesn’t feel like the weight of the world rests on his shoulders. It feels very weird and he doesn’t really know how to deal with it.

Dean sits up in bed and looks around. It all still looks the same as before. Somehow he had expected things to be different. Lisa is gone, after all. And yet, there are still birds outside. The world didn’t change.

Dean gets up and walks over to the window. It’s another nice day. Maybe he should visit the park today. He could hear the birds properly there. Lisa might be coming to pick up her things today though. But then again, she still has her own key and might even prefer not to see him. Love changes, she had said. He wonders what she meant by that.

*

Dean arrives at the park just shortly before noon. There aren’t many people here – a few joggers, a few dog-owners and a few parents with their strollers. Dean thinks that there might be a playground somewhere in the area. He’s never really been here before – he’s never had the time before. He wonders why.

He finds a bench and sits down. There’s nothing particular to look at but it soothes him still. He can hear the birds so much clearer now and closes his eyes to enjoy them better.

He can hear their chirping so much better here and there’s also the soft rattling of the leaves in the wind. It sounds a bit like a lullaby and it reminds him of home but he doesn’t remember why. They moved after Sammy had been born, maybe his first home had been close to a forest? Could be. Maybe. Possibly. But then again, it hardly matters anyway. He’s here now and the noises soothe his soul in a way he didn’t know he needed.

“Don’t fall asleep here, the flowers aren’t blooming here.”

The sudden voice drags him out of his daydream. Dean blinks and looks up, not even really registering what the guy had said. He’s sitting at a disadvantage but the new guy seems to be about as tall as Dean himself. Dean can’t see much against the light that shines from behind the guy.

“I... what?”

The guy bends down to his knees, looking Dean straight in the eyes.

“You were falling asleep,” he says, “and I told you not to.”

Dean doesn’t know how to respond. On the one hand, yes, falling asleep sitting upright on a park bench might not be the best thing – and someone might confuse him for a homeless dude and call the cops on him – but it’s not like that’s a crime or anything.

“But,” the guy continues without waiting for Dean’s response, “if you want, I can watch over you. If I protect you, you can sleep soundly.”

Dean blinks irritated. He’s just supposed to trust this dude out of nowhere? Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.

“Sorry pal, but I don’t even know you.”

The guy cocks his head and blinks.

“You don’t know me,” he repeats slowly as if he doesn’t understand.

“Yeah! Who’s to say you’re not just gonna run off with my things?!”

The guy blinks again.

“You only have your keys on you; and they serve me no purpose. Why would I take them?”

Dean just gapes at the man; and now, for the first time, properly takes him in: the guy has dark brown hair, a solid tan; he’s got stubble on his face and the bluest eyes Dean’s ever seen. Also there’s a flower in his hair but instead of it being weird, it makes a strange sort of sense somehow.

“You’re weird,” Dean says and he knows he should get up and leave.

The guy smiles. It seems familiar.

Dean doesn’t know why.

“You said something about flowers,” Dean continues.

The man nods and pulls the flower out of his hair.

“It’s not safe without them.”

He reaches forward to tuck the flower into Dean’s hair and he has no idea why he doesn’t resist.

“Why isn’t it safe without them?”

Blue eyes blink at him.

“It just isn’t,” the guy responds.

“My name’s Dean,” Dean says.

“I know,” the man responds and when Dean blinks, he’s gone.

He reaches into his hair and pulls the flower out. It’s wilting. It was in full bloom before.

Dean wonders.

Dean wonders, and watches the leaves.

The petals are carried off by the wind and maybe it’s safe wherever they go.

_There’s a boy crouching on his windowsill._

*

He doesn’t know why he comes back.

Maybe the park is nice. Maybe he enjoys the fresh air. Maybe he enjoys the flowers that don’t bloom.

It’s not even ten when he makes it to the park. At night, he had been restless and he had kept staring at the flower. He had taken it home, cradled in his hands. He had felt bad – when the man removed the flower from his hair, it must’ve been sad since it had started wilting almost immediately. Dean had still put it into water, in a desperate attempt to save it.

He had thought that maybe, with enough good intention, the flower could be saved.

And yet – it wasn’t dead.

When Dean woke up this morning, the flower was still hanging on. It had lost more petals during the night, but right now, it’s still alive.

It’s remarkable.

Maybe Dean wants to find the guy again just so that he could maybe save the flower.

He doesn’t know why he thinks the guy might be able to do that.

It might be because it’s the guy’s flower.

Dean sits down on the bench again and waits. There are more joggers here today, but maybe that’s because it’s earlier than yesterday. Dean doesn’t really care anyway.

He can hear the birds in the trees. And as usual, they are a soothing sound. The leaves from the trees in the wind just help add to that melody. He tries hard to not fall asleep as there are no flowers around here. But it’s hard, Dean has to admit. But he can do it. He woke up so early today that he can stay awake now.

Despite his best attempts, he falls asleep. This time, nobody comes to prevent him from doing so. When he wakes up, he doesn’t know how late it is. He just knows that he feels worse than before. His back and shoulders are stiff now. That serves him right for falling asleep on a public bench.

Dean stretches and looks around. The park is definitely more filled up now, but it doesn’t seem like anyone is paying him much attention. But also – the guy isn’t here. Somehow, Dean is disappointed.

So that poses the question; does he stay here and wait, or does he leave? Should he come back tomorrow? Should he come back at all?

He sits there for a moment longer, indecisive. Then he gets up and gets ready to leave.

Maybe the guy hadn’t been here after all.

Dean doesn’t want to go home, so he wanders the streets a bit. He’s not sure why, maybe the crowd just sweeps him away for a while.

Lisa is gone.

And she was right. He blames himself for it. He thinks that maybe she left because she’s met someone else. That she’s met someone who’s better than him. He knows that she’s said that she didn’t, but – what if? What if she met some guy called Darren who’s just better than him?

What if she’s at Darren’s house right now, laughing with him about Dean? What if Darren is man enough to give her what she wants? In truth, he doesn’t really want to think about it. But what –

What if Darren doesn’t exist? What if what Lisa said is actually true? He looks up at the sky. It’s still a nice day today. He doesn’t know what to feel about this break-up. He doesn’t feel as heavy or guilty as he thinks he should. After all, all his previous break-ups had been his fault, at least that’s what he’s been told. And now Lisa had said it wasn’t his fault.

It’s not his fault.

He doesn’t think he can believe that. Something breaking apart must always be someone’s fault, right? Just like his parent’s divorce was Dad’s fault. Mom hadn’t done anything wrong, but Dad had. So, for him and Lisa – it must’ve been him. Maybe he hadn’t been able to satisfy her enough. Maybe he hadn’t had the money she’d been looking for. Maybe he hadn’t been enthusiastic enough about kids. Maybe it had been because he hadn’t proposed to her.

Dean steps out of the way of other passer-bys and stops.

Maybe he’s just not man enough.

After all, that’s what Dad’s always said.

_Man up, son_ , he’d say.

After that, Dean had hid his Harrison Ford poster under his bed. He believed it might be better if Dad didn’t see that hanging about.

Maybe it’s his fault that Dad left. Maybe it’s him that drove Dad to another woman so he could have another firstborn son. Dad doesn’t need to tell Adam to man up, does he? Adam doesn’t have any Harrison Ford posters in his room like Dean used to have.

He should’ve been better for Lisa. If he could’ve just kept her, then –

Someone touches his hand.

Dean looks up and sees the guy from the park next to him. Dean blinks.

The man gently holds his hand and just looks at him and somehow, Dean calms down. He doesn’t recall what he had just been thinking about.

“Hello, Dean,” the man says and Dean breathes easier.

The guy interlopes their fingers and starts tugging Dean who willingly follows.

It’s okay now.

It’s all okay now.

_The boy smiles the brightest smile Dean’s ever seen._

*

Maybe he closes his eyes. But he can hear the birds so much better now. He knows he should be able to hear people passing them by and the cars on the street but he can only hear the birds. They’re comforting. It reminds him of a time long ago, when there was a forest behind their house and he could hear the birds when he woke up.

The hand on his is warm. It even feels familiar.

“Someone held my hand once, just like this,” he says and he gets no response.

But that’s quite alright.

He wonders – who had it been? Who had held his hand like this and why did he let them go?

“There was a forest behind the house,” he says and he can feel the warmth of the man in front of him.

The forest was important – _is_ important. Dean just doesn’t really know why or how.

“I think there was a boy, but – I can’t really remember –“

They stop but Dean doesn’t open his eyes just yet. He can’t really hear the birds anymore but that’s not so bad. He doesn’t miss them, because he feels closer to them than ever before. He’s still holding hands with the man. Dean steps closer to him.

“The flower you gave me,” he says, “it’s wilting.”

“That’s okay,” the man replies and something inside Dean is soothed by it.

Dean drops his head forward slowly until he comes to rest on the man’s shoulder. He doesn’t know why he’s allowed to do this. But it’s nice, it’s so nice.

“Flowers bloom and flowers wilt,” the man says, “but as long as you remember them, they’re never going to be gone.”

Their fingers are still intertwined.

Dean opens his eyes and he sees that they’re in the forest. He can’t remember walking this far; it all looks different from the few trees in the park. But maybe it’s the same? After all, Dean has never gone inside so what does he know? He trusts the stranger, oddly enough.

They’re still holding hands so it’s all okay.

“We're all like flowers. We bloom and we wilt, but for as long as we live, we'll bring joy to those around us. And when we are gone, we will be remembered fondly. So don't fret what's been lost, and relish the memory. Flowers will bloom again, and if you come back, I'll be here.”

Dean doesn’t really understand but he thinks there’s some truth in that. He can’t be sure however.

They sit down and Dean lowers himself to the ground. There is softness to the tree crowns and the man is quietly sitting next to him.

“I feel like I know you,” Dean says.

“Mayhap you do,” the man simply replies.

“She left me,” Dean says. “She says there’s nobody else but I don’t know if I can believe her.”

“Why not?”

The man’s voice is soft and the trees around them make Dean feel better.

“Because – because we didn’t fight. I didn’t – I didn’t give her a reason to leave, I think. She just – she just decided that I wasn’t good enough anymore. I’m – I’m never good enough.”

No, Sam is the golden child. He’s just – he’s just the first son, that’s all. He’s never been good enough for Dad and even though she’s never said it, he knows: Mom prefers Sam as well. If he had disappeared into the forest, none of them would have missed him. Maybe they wouldn’t even have noticed.

“What if – what if I got lost? What if they never looked for me? What if they were better off without me?”

What if he’s still lost even now? Dean’s breathing becomes erratic. He hasn’t talked to Sam in a while, so what – what if Sam just doesn’t remember him at all? What if Sam is happy that Dean’s lost in the forest? What if they’re having a family gathering right now, while he’s here and they don’t even think about him –?

“Hush now,” the man says and Dean takes a breath.

“I have something for you,” the man continues and Dean is trying to focus on the grass under his back. The grass is fresh and cold and the dirty ground beneath him is solid. He didn’t get lost. He’s here, he’s real, nobody forgot about him.

Yes, maybe he’s not the favourite child, maybe he’s not the one to be proud of, but that’s okay. At least they still remember him. At least they haven’t lost him. _They haven’t lost him._

“Here,” the man then says and drops something onto Dean’s stomach. At first, he doesn’t notice. The tree crowns are moving softly in the wind and he can hear the birds in the distance. Then he looks up to the guy. He has blue eyes. Dean hadn’t noticed. And there – there are wings behind him. Oddly enough, that’s not even weird. It’s like they belong there. Dean wonders how he ever thought that this guy was complete without them.

_The shadow behind the boy wavers. It’s bigger than Dean himself, but he’s not afraid. The shadow will protect him._

Dean looks down. There’s a stone lying on his stomach. It feels oddly warm. He sits up a bit and takes the stone in his hand. It’s filling nicely into his palm, and there’s a blue shimmer to it. It might be more of a crystal than a stone and Dean could get lost staring into it.

“What is it?”

“It’s important,” the man replies, “and thus is why you must look after it.”

“Why me?”

“Because in the end, it was always meant to belong to you. In the end, you were always meant to come here.”

“What if I hadn’t come here?”

“Then I would’ve found you somewhere else. You were lost, and so I found you.”

The crystal hums in Dean’s hand. It’s a familiar tune.

“What if I lose it?”

“You will not. But shall you lose it regardless, don’t fret. It’ll come back here, and I’ll come back to you.”

Dean looks at him.

The man smiles the brightest smile that Dean’s ever seen.

*

He saw Lisa a few days ago. He’s seen her holding hands with some fellow he’s never seen before. So in conclusion, she _did_ replace him. He hadn’t gone to talk to her, but he’d thought it might hurt seeing her. Alas, it has not done so.

He’s happy for her.

Maybe their break-up wasn’t his fault.

Maybe he can believe that now.

He’s gone to the park a few times since then, but the man never appeared again. Some part of him tries to tell him that this guy hasn’t been real at all. That the flower and the crystal are just something that Dean picked up somewhere.

It’s the rational explanation.

But he knows it’s not the truth.

The flower in his apartment is blooming and he hasn’t watered it in five days.

The crystal is still warm to the touch, even after four days in the freezer.

Dean walks up the stairs. He has a job interview tomorrow. It’s going to go well. He knows it will. And even if he won’t get the job, it will still be good. The interview he’d have after he would be rejected from this job would be even better than the one tomorrow. He has hope. For the first time in a long time, he has perspective – and that perspective doesn’t scare him. It doesn’t prompt him to steer off his path.

There’s commotion in the hallway.

The place across from Dean had stood empty for a while. It seems like there’s a new tenant. Dean’s never had much to do with his neighbours, but maybe this one will be different. After all, why not try?

Dean’s standing next to his door, looking over to the open door across from him. Should he go over? Maybe he should wait introducing himself until tomorrow, when the guy moved in? He’s not sure. Dean fondles his keys in his pocket, but he doesn’t pull them out just yet.

He wonders where the guy has gone. Would he only ever appear again if Dean lost that stone? And would Dean be willing to try this out?

_The forest behind their house is quiet. But Dean is not afraid. There’s a boy holding his hand and so Dean knows he won’t get lost. The shadows behind the boy are not scary at all, and Dean even feels weirdly comforted by them._

_They feel like a comfort blanket, wrapping all around him. He wonders what they are._

_But then again, it doesn’t really matter that much._

_They are nearing the meadow, and it feels like the leaves are singing._

“Hello,” a deep voice tears Dean out of his thoughts. It sounds familiar.

Dean turns around and sees a man standing there. The man has dark hair, and is wearing an ugly sweater. He’s carrying a box labelled “books”.

He’s got blue eyes, and there’s a flower in his hair.

And around his neck, there’s a necklace. It’s filled with a warm blue glow.

It’s the guy from the park, but – different.

Dean just knows it’s different.

“Hey,” Dean replies.

The guy looks at him and Dean’s not sure what he sees in these eyes. Could it be recognition?

“I’m Castiel,” the man then says and of course. What other name could it have been?

“I’m Dean,” he says. He’s half-expecting an _I know_ , but it never comes.

What comes instead is a curious tilt of head. It’s adorable.

“Let me help you”, Dean says and Castiel smiles.

“I would like that.”

Castiel has the brightest smile Dean’s ever seen.

*

_“And at the end of the path, we’ll meet again. It might take years, and the path might be overgrown, but if you keep walking, the journey will feel like no journey at all.”_


End file.
